It’s therapy but…by email? How does that work?
So you’ve stumbled across the concept of email therapy and perhaps it’s shaken up your idea of what therapy even is, or perhaps you’re curious to know more. How does it work? Can it possibly be as good as talking to a person in real time? I’m hoping to reassure you that it can - and give you some details to decide whether it might be a good fit for you.
When we talk about therapy, most people have a picture in their head of a quiet room, two people sitting on armchairs or a sofa and having deep, emotional conversations. Except that therapy can vary so widely - whether that quiet room is a video screen, a walk in nature, or focused around a creative practice; whether the conversation happens through deep chats, laughter, art…or even words in your inbox. There isn’t one “right” way to do therapy, what matters is the supportive relationship and space for you to reflect, process and grow.
Here are some reasons why email therapy can be great.
Drop the mask
If you’re someone for whom showing up in social situations can feel like you have to put on a mask - whether because of neurodiversity or anything else - email therapy lets you skip a lot of the camouflage and get stuck into the content. No need to think about eye contact, or what your face is doing, or whether you’re moving around too much, when it’s just you with your computer.
Be seen for you
In email therapy, all I know of you is what you choose to tell me. I can’t make any assumptions based on how you look or sound or move. For many trans and queer clients, this is a relief. You don’t need to think about your voice, about your appearance, or whether I am going to see you the way you wish to be seen. You’re just you, right there in words on the screen.
Go deep
Have you ever found yourself opening up more easily when you don’t feel immediately scrutinised by the other person? There’s something that happens in email therapy that we call the disinhibition effect. Basically, people can feel freer to express themselves from behind the safety of a keyboard. The same thing that makes some anonymous comments sections online go off is actually great for email therapy, and some folks find themselves getting into the important stuff quicker than they would face-to-face. This can be especially true when talking about sex, which can feel awkward and vulnerable to talk about.
Say what you actually mean
As well skipping some of the awkward feelings of talking about uncomfortable stuff, you might find you have more control over the conversation you actually want to have. Whilst in talking therapy, you might find yourself going down unexpected tangents and realising later that you missed the thing you actually wanted to talk about, when drafting your replies you have time to catch yourself and redirect to the topic that is most important to you this week.
Write when you like
Do you think best at 2am? Are you an early bird who appreciates the quiet reflectiveness of the dawn hours? Or do you just have a busy and evolving life? Because email therapy is asynchronous, you can do your writing - and your reading - any time you like. We’ll agree a weekly deadline, and you can write at any time you like in the days leading up to it. The flexibility helps you show up with your therapy exactly when you’re ready for it, rather than having to try and summon the right emotional state on cue each week.
Time to think
Another great thing about working asynchronously - there being a gap between you sending your email and getting my reply - is that you get to use that time to process what we’re talking about. Spend a couple of days reflecting on a question, or drafting and articulating what it is that actually feels most important right now. Fewer staircase moments of “if only I’d thought of this quicker”, more time to consider your response (if you want to).
Yours forever
The emails we write to one another will be there for as long as you keep them. You can revisit them as often as you like, to remember the key moments that impacted you, see your progress, or just double check what exactly it was that we said. No more relying on your memory, or scrabbling to write down key insights before you forget. You have a record of our work together - if you want it.